SAHM: Loving It and Hating It

I am technically a SAHM. I do work part-time for my husband's business, but if I have access to internet (either through my phone or computer), and a phone line to make/take calls, I can do a majority of the work for him without having to step foot into the office. Although I know I haven't been in the office for a while, I do know that there is pile of paperwork looming for me and that needs to be filed (not to mention finishing packing up the 2008 items and getting 2009 fiscal year ready). I am not necessarily avoiding going into the shop that is dirty from the work crews coming in and out. I just can't now that the baby is no longer content to just laze around in his infant carrier. DH or some other body needs to be in the shop to hold and entertain him while I file, file, file.

So that is why I really can consider myself a SAHM. I'm loving it - and hating it at the same time. I do love not having to be awakened early in the morning to the sound of an alarm clock chiming my hour of doom when I would have to arise, dress, and scurry myself and the children out the door for another day of work. Instead, I awaken usually to the comfort of one of my children crawling into bed with me, if I had not already risen naturally on my own to pump the morning meal for the baby. I do love that there are some mornings where we laze in our pjs until 10:30am, when I then make the kids get ready for the day (after I have had the chance to do so myself without any interference), before fixing lunches and getting the kids out the door for school. The perks of Pre-K and younger. I love that I am home at 3pm every day with my children for us to unwind, play, and enjoy each other's company before making dinner, having our meal, and then getting through the bedtime routine. No rushing around to shove food in their faces and then hie their little hineys off to bed because we didn't get home until after 5pm.

But I hate not feeling like I have any other accomplishments for myself, except managing the phone, hauling children around, and feeding and cleaning up after them continuously day-after-day. I do feel a great sense of accomplishment when I do get into the shop to complete my filing tasks. But those times are very few and very far in between.

I would love to have another job where I could go out on my own, even for 2 hours a day at the very least, work in an atmosphere where I am able to get to work, get it done, and then go home. My work would not benefit my children, but myself. Well, I guess they would benefit some - a happier mom who appreciates more of the time she spends with her kids, while feeling as if she has done something for herself as well.

I have talked to DH about this often and I know a lot of you are thinking - get a part-time job at night. The only problem is my DH's business is the sole bread-winner of this family. His business has run our family's lives for many years now. Because of this, I cannot rely on having him home at a set time every night. He tries. Really he does. There have been some evenings when I have gone out to do other things and he has been home with the kids. But I have been late to everything because his business makes him late. I don't think a job would like me for that reason.

Oh well.... I guess I will just continue to love the ease and freedom that this year has allowed for me. I am now having to consider going back to work next year, which is fine since the oldest will be in kindergarten and the early morning routine will need to begin again. I just don't like the idea of having to put the other two in daycare. I don't feel as if I can truly trust another place to care for my children, not after my last daycare experience. I just hope it is not back to the grind when I do start back to a full-time position. I think we all suffered more with this type of lifestyle.